well poop...

Potty training has sort been a bittersweet defeat I have recently suffered. After changing multiple diapers, all being cloth I decided that my now 2 year old should be ready to use the potty. I bought him training pants, underwear, treats for using the potty successfully, stickers, a small potty that fits on the big potty and a small potty for the floor. We were ready, so I thought. Vince appeared interested and eager to please, plus he loved treats and would sit there for hours on end with a looming treat to come. I gave encouragement, water to help things move along, yet nothing. We sat in the bathroom reading a book and pretending to wipe our bottom for an hour one day, not a drop of pee. He announced in a quiet church last Saturday he had to poop, only to look in his diaper and find he already had. Desperate I put him underwear one day just thinking that a few accidents would slow him a bit but he just peed and kept playing, when I announced that he had peed in his underwear, this embarrassed him and made me feel like an utter heel, so we just cowardly ran back to diapers and have remained in them since. I wish I knew the magic recipe but truly it is now an exercise of control. Vince has become very aware that now that he can talk, he can control things and now that he realizes he has control, well he is using it!!! One day he will expel all fluids in the toilet but in the mean time... 

My unsung hero's

I think I have explained that I am a very rigid, type A, high demand person. Even as a mom I am trying to do way too much and am always in check with the "idea" of slowing down and enjoying life but it wasn't until my son was having multiple meltdowns in the day from sun up to sun down did I begin to really see things for what they were. Frustrated and unable to understand what was wrong, I stopped looking at the outside factors like environment, or diet and began to look at the real issue, me and a 2 year old. Vince has no ambition to be in a hurry, much less make it there on time, be quite or say please and thank you, he is 2! I wondered if my frustration had came from expecting a 2 year old to jump in line and do as told, which as a therapist is crazy. The one thing I think about with every client is meet them where they are, you have to be effective as a therapist, so very sheepishly I did, I slowed down, opted not to work-out but rather sit on the couch and watch television with Vince, use my nice voice, reflect his feelings and just try to see how he really did need his car before we left the house. I finally just stopped and focused on his needs and guess what, the meltdowns have lessened if not ceased, I mean he is 2. I also have began just sitting down and loving on my baby Sydney, introducing new toys to her, letting her make a mess in her high chair, who cares, really I will eventually clean it up. Sadly my house will win no awards for cleanliness or style as my coffee table got the boot and it was replaced by a soft ottoman that son loves climbing on. My children, unbeknownst to them, are my hero's, my little saviors because without them I would be some workaholic with really nice stuff and never time to enjoy it. They make me realize it all goes by too fast to stay mad, hold grudges or focus on what you can't control. Look at a puffy cloud, enjoy a tree or spoon, there is so much that great about life, but you really must slow down to see it all!

Maybe Axel Rose was onto something!

As a child of the 80's I heard Guns n' Roses no less than a million times but as I walked away from my 2 year old this morning I thought of the song "Patience" and thought maybe they were onto something. I can freely admit I am a type A personality with high hopes to relax maybe when I die. I have a hard time enjoying a moment or slowing down. I am in constant go mode and even when I am sitting, I am plotting what I will do next, reading some "how to" book or making a list (I love a good list). But recently I began thinking about going back to work. My whole ambition in Europe was to use my new camera and take beautiful pictures of all the adventures and enjoy what would be some of the greatest times I may remember. Instead I find myself trapped inside praying my 2 year old will nap and completely ignoring a my sweet baby because I am trying to get her brother to...well do anything I ask. I feel consumed with trying to be a certain type of parent, one that supports a whole food movement, doesn't let her kids watch to much television or eat too many sweets. A parent that reads and is well versed but also is kind and fun with her children. That is indeed not what is happening though. I feel frustrated and edgy because I am trying too hard to do too much and going back to work just felt like an escape. So I am too indulge in being patient and trying to understand that life will come together as it needs too. I will wait for his naps to return but not inside. I will be patient enough to just sit and watch my 6 month old be small and smile. I will use patience in my potty training ideas. I can be patient with food and maybe even my husband. So as I sit here thinking of a project or something to do, I won't, even though I know I will, I guess I need patience there as well!!!

ahhhhh, do we have too?

Sometimes it is hard to see the forest because of the trees, right? Sometimes you need to change things but just can't seem to make yourself, that is more like it. I had one of those moments yesterday as I told my husband how exhausted I had recently began feeling. We talked about my diet, exercise, mental health, sleep, water intake, vitamins, it had to be biological, something that labs or a doctor could discover maybe. As I was lounging around and watching a movie, something I rarely do as I am a textbook type A personality(always with a mission) I heard someone say that Americans do not know how to enjoy themselves, respectively coming from an Italian in the movie, I laughed and turned to my husband, who while working abroad went to the window where an Italian was working(so he thought) and was told that he was on a break and could help him in 5 minutes. My husband used this as an example of how different the world is outside of America because of course in the states it would just be common place for them to end their break early and help, but at what cost. I never just sit and day dream or lay on the floor with my children and why because my pantry needs to be purged and my cloths need to be washed, I need to buy something on-line or check my e-mail or blah, blah, blah, blah!!!
Suddenly I felt liberated and energized by the thought that I would use my time differently and take time to relax and do something I enjoy, I know, crazy thing how purging cabinets is not considered relaxing. I would read a book, for fun not to learn how to potty train my 2 year old or quickly spring clean. I would quit creating barriers for going outside or playing with my children. Now this may not make me feel less exhausted, I will still be heading to the doctor on that note but it gives me something to start with, which is change. We all know a million different things we should do different in our own lives that indeed would make it more enjoyable but for one reason or another we continue on a road that does not lead us to happiness but rather walks us in circles.
As I ran this morning usually thinking how cold it is in the morning and how 0630 is too early to awake, I rather listened to The Rolling Stones "You Can't Always Get What You Want", it was random that the song came up on my iPod but maybe a sign from the universe telling me to go with flow and quit trying so hard to be in control. I came home nursed my baby and enjoyed looking at her soft blonde hair in my arms. I made my bed, got dress, pinned back my hair, put on make-up, sat down with coffee and wrote this while she played on her mat and my son slept. I made a to do list complete with enjoyable things, not just dreaded chores. My life is so exceptional but without time to stop, relax and enjoy it, it looks basic and drab, which is furthest thing from the truth, for all of us!!!  

Green with Envy

I have always thought of myself as a middle of the road kind of person, I like to be informed but practical about choices but after having children things have become so much more difficult when it comes to the choices I make on a daily basis. Cleaning products have changed drastically in my home, going from whatever worked best to all natural products, the truth being that chemicals clean better but since children roll on the floor, shower, touch the sink and sometimes the toilet, I compromise. I cloth diaper 2 children who must have a sense of when those nasty little things go in the washer because they immediately poop, so we can smell the hint of poo in the nursery until 2 days later when we wash again. I buy organic and try to read labels for the healthiest choices possible and fix all my own baby food. But honestly I am jealous of the mom who just does thing out of ease. There are days when it takes me hours to make dinner because I try to make everything from scratch, including breads, which is crazy honestly but I feel guilty if I don't try to do the best thing I can for my family. I spend hours debating purchases based on safety for my children rather than just buying what might be the easiest or what is at a local store, again exhausting. I wondered today as I sat to drink a cup of coffee and write this blog how much time and effort is wasted and what is gained in the long run. My hope is the white thick sunscreen that is impossible to spread and cost an arm and a leg, will in fact decrease the chance of cancer maybe but mainly as I feel envious of those other mothers I hope that my children one day take something away from those choices and just remember that the grass is not always greener on the other side!

if I don't succeed, how many times must I try?

As children we were all plagued with sayings like "if at first you don't succeed, try, try again or practice makes perfect". For some, that is a source of anguish, remembering how they hated some activity that they were forced to repeat at length as a child for others it was a blessing as they enjoy the leisure of the activity. Yet strangely as an adult no one makes me do anything at length, now that I am a stay at home mom. No one forces me to do laundry or encourages me to clean the showers better but oddly I am getting really good at doing domestic things. Take for example my new hobby, baking bread. I began one week ago and have so far made wheat bread, wheat dinner rolls, banana bread with orange and spice and pizza dough. Honestly though, although my husband smiled, the wheat bread was not a raging success, while the dinner rolls were alright, the first pizza dough on Ash Wednesday was  better than store bought but the dough on Friday was great, and of course my banana bread which I have been fixing for years was a big crowd pleaser. I sat and thought about this after the dismal wheat bread came out of the oven looking all nice and loaf- like and thought "what gives? I spent all day kneading the dough and letting it rise, then kneading again and letting it rise again, following the recipe to the letter, yet blah! It tastes like nothing special." And faint words from childhood came to mind. My breads need me to meet their needs, that is why my banana bread is always good because I have made it so many times. It then made me think of my children. Poor Vince, my 2 year old, should have gotten a mulligan with us as we were trying to do what books had told us rather than what Vice told us. There is a recipe to life but ultimately we practice and get really good at what works for us. We forget this as adults, maybe our parents should remind us!

highly effective

One of my favorite books of all time is 7 habits of highly effective people, if you have never read this, really it is a multifaceted book that I always take away some new nugget of wisdom from. Now you may ask yourself, isn't this a blog about being a mom, not some high powered business executive, well yes you are right but in my experience this book really covers it all, plus isn't being a stay at home mom like running a small business in that you are either leading or managing the fleet of several people. Although the book is geared at business, it also has you look at how pro-active you are, how much you take responsibility, how much you waste time on things that if asked you would for sure say are a waste of time (top 3 guilty pleasures: on-line shopping, facebook and researching products that I probably don't need but just want). Sadly we all get off track as to what we want our lives to look like. One of the exercises in the book suggests taking a few moments to think about your funeral and as you are there watching friends, family and co-workers all stand and speak about you, what would you want them to say? This always helps me refocus my time, pay attention to my words and more importantly do what is right for me.  It has been hard not going back to work, I had always felt like becoming a social worker was more than a job but it was a calling. I love being able to help people through listening and empowering but in the end my client will not show-up at my funeral and although I know what I do helps people at this point in my life it is important to help those closest to me, my husband and children. My children are young and there are many things they may never remember me doing. I choose not to work so that I can be here for the first time they skin their knees, the first time they taste a homemade meal they love for years to come, the first time they say I love you, the first scary dream, the first mean child, the first beloved book and the first amazement in the world. I stay home so that one day my children can stand at my funeral and say I was there, trying my best and loving them more than they could ever express.